In 2020 there will be a lot of people dealing with issues related to grief. Many of us have lost loved ones, colleagues and friends. This is about the loss of a loved one and how mindfulness can help.
When living with loss and grief it is normal to think, ‘It is not fair’ and Why me?’. Loss and grief bring pain and sadness but our internal dialogue, or how we choose to think about what we are feeling, can make it worse.
It is natural to feel intense pain and sadness but trying to resist these emotions, and the reality, can make it worse and prolong the agony. It is normal to want things to be different but if we can try to accept what has happened, it can make life more manageable, even if only for short periods of time. Acceptance is not about giving up, it is about surviving.
Acceptance is about acknowledging the reality of what has happened, and the injustice, without dwelling on any unhelpful thoughts that could make it worse such as, ‘If only I hadn’t…’. These are thoughts that just serve to increase the pain.
Loss brings huge sadness and pain, and it can feel as if this will never change. It can feel as if it would be disloyal to the person you have lost, if that does change. But change is omnipresent and inevitable. Even in grief there is change. If you can allow yourself to accept the feelings of sadness, it can be easier to accept the occasional feeling of calm.
Mindfulness and meditation can help to increase your ability to be with the pain, rather than struggling with it or increasing it with unhelpful thoughts. Mindfulness can help to remove the judgement and self criticism that can come with loss. It can be the first step towards looking after yourself and making things more manageable.
So what is mindfulness and how can it help?
Mindfulness is often described as being in the present moment. That means being able to pay attention to the present moment without being distracted by other thoughts. When the mind tends to wander to what went wrong in the past or what might go wrong in the future. This is where mindfulness can help. Mindfulness is about staying in the present moment and that keeps our minds off the ‘what if’.
Meditation is practising being in the present. The focus of meditation is often the breath because you are always breathing and you can use it at any time. As you try to focus on your breath your mind inevitably wanders off and you can practice focusing your attention to where you want it to be.
Meditation is like running, learning a language, or any new skill, or like going to the gym, you need to have low expectations at the start. You are asking your mind to focus on something that you would usually ignore. This can be tricky so you can use this to practice being kind to yourself. This will be one area of life that you try not to bring criticism or judgement to.
When you try to focus on your breath, your mind will wander off and you just need to try to catch it. A helpful way to do this is to see where the mind has gone and label it past, future or just thinking. And you bring it back to your breath, probably for a very small amount of time before you do that again.
You can practice this while you are reading this. It will only take a few minutes, but in those minutes your mind will be continually telling you what else you have to do,or reminding you of your pain or stress, or what if you chose to do something else. Noticing it is the first step in being able to manage it.
Mindfulness can help you enjoy the good bits of life more because you are able to be more present. Mindfulness can help you deal with loss and stress because it can help to stop the mind spiralling towards anxiety or depression.
Building short meditations into your day can help to shift your focus from the pain to the present moment. This in itself can give you some short moments of respite.
Mindfulness can help you to find a new way of living with loss and the painful thoughts and feelings that come with it.